the tale of two old geezers "off-for-an-indian"

The Indira Gandhi Memorial Museum, New Delhi

2010-03-11T03:58:00.000-08:00

The Indira Gandhi Memorial Museum is located in Safdarjung Road in the home where she used to live. Indira Gandhi was assassinated on October 31st 1984 by her own 'trusted' bodyguards. This beautiful white bungalow where it happened was later on converted into the museum.

The museum has a good collection of photographs which depict the Indian national Movement and also the lives of the Gandhi family. The Museum has very well conserved the blood stained sari of Indira Gandhi which was a result of her assassination. It also has the collection of Rajeev Gandhi’s personal belongings who was himself assassinated in May 1991. Rajeev Gandhi’s laptop is also on display. The clothes he wore during that time are also displayed.

It is surrounded by a beautiful, tranquil garden. After coming out of the house you reach the garden where Mrs Gandhi was shot dead. The place is covered well and the dried spots of blood though faded are still visible. The enclosed glass gives the effect of a river. It is protected by a guard who Donny took a special liking to...

Donny's lack of colour co-ordination

2010-03-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

Donny fails once again to match to the colour of the day!

Jimmy Choo tuc-tuc

2010-03-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

Eat your heart out Ginny

Amritsar

2010-03-09T05:45:00.000-08:00

The Golden Temple is absolutely superb - almost moving enough to convert me to Sikhism??Jallianwalla Bagh gardens are a solemn memorial to the end of British occupation at a site where General Dyer's troops open fired on an unarmed protest crowb of 20,000 killing 379 and injuring 1200. 120 drowned in a well trying to escape. Churchill took 12 months to declare it an "outrageous action", meanwhile Dyer was knighted. 20years later he was shot dead by an Indian dissident at Caxton Hall, London.

Hotel Update

2010-03-09T05:28:00.000-08:00

Dreamland. Don't ever consider staying even one night at Dreamland in Shimla - more like Nightmareland. Thanks Rough Guide for the recommendation. Billo wouldn't even venture into the bathroom and generally he'll pee anywhere!!

Mrs Bandari's Guest House in Amritsar is a superbly maintained family home from 1930s with it's own farm outstanding food.Billo is consorting with the chef and waiter in the kitchens.

Camera oh joy!

2010-03-09T05:20:00.000-08:00

Replacement Sony camera with much improved spec after much hard bargaining and quantities of fruit juice. We're back on line and Billo is happy again!!

Shimla

2010-03-05T05:42:00.000-08:00

An interesting relic of the Raj with a famous promanade awash with Indian tourists (and honeymooners?). The route to a miserable State Museum was badly understated. The government's poor efforts at basic maintenace of premises and exhibits are sadly evident and regularly diminish the splendours of the experiences.This is the very monkey that stole the cream cake from the lady's bag despite Billos protestations!!

Chandigarh to Thanedar

2010-03-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

Fantastically twisting ascending train ride for over 5 hours from Kalka to Shimla at 2400 metres followed by a stomach-churning 2.5 hours by road to reach the Banjara Retreat at Thanedar.Fantastic vistas across the Himalayas with great service and attention in thie apple sentre of India. Unfortunately bitterly cold and a day of constant downpour.

Camera Loss

2010-03-05T05:17:00.000-08:00

Disaster. The camera is lost and, as the computer had packed up earlier, images since Chandigarh with it! A bad day at Black Rock (Shimla). Billo is devastated but these things happen. The police are out in force in pursuit.

Chandigarh

2010-03-05T05:01:00.000-08:00

Following Partition in 1947 when Lahore was pinched by Pakistan, Le Corbusier took over the project of creating a new state capital for Punjab in 1952 with spectacular results still evident today despite some decay. Some examples:Museums of Modern art and Fine Art were limited excitement but no images to show (due to loss of camera reported elsewhere)

Nek Chand's Rock Garden, Chandigarh

2010-03-01T03:18:00.000-08:00

My personal favourite so far. Nek gathered stones resembling birds and animals from road work sites he worked on for 20 years and saved them close to rubbish tip. He then went about transforming the whole site into a fantastic sculptural labyrinth and a most exquisite example of creativity and human endeavour.

Billo

Hotels we have known

2010-03-01T03:09:00.000-08:00

Colonel Lamba's Home for the partially disabled in Agra was a testament to all those dreadful b&b's in blighty - not to be recommended despite his warm welcome. Whilst Broadway Hotel in Delhi is a fine establishment in one of the worst areas of deprivation you would hope to avoid. All part of the rich tapestry....Donny

Train from Delhi to Chandigarh

2010-03-01T02:56:00.000-08:00

An early start and back on the tracks....

Baby Taj

2010-03-01T02:50:00.000-08:00

A mini version of the Taj Mahal was built as a tomb further down the river and has beautiful gardens and an amazing serenity..

Taj Mahal

2010-03-01T02:39:00.000-08:00

This is the tourist 'biggie'. 20000 men from all over Asia started in 1632 and finished in 1653 and apparently then had their hands chopped off so they could not repeat it anywhere else! Thank heaven company recognition schemes have moved forward since then...

Red Fort, Agra

2010-03-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

Reputed to be the finest fort in India and just as well as the Red Fort in Delhi is closed for repairs

Fatehpur Sikri

2010-03-01T02:22:00.000-08:00

Very beautiful open palace with glorious english style gardens

Twitter Twatter

2010-02-26T19:42:00.000-08:00

"TWITTER TWATTER" is borrowed from the "Indian Daily News" and is a crazy news blog so we thought why not:

REPORTS of my death are premature. Had a particularly bad case of stomach upset and some photos of me were taken at the time - like the one with the new jacket - so sorry for the alarm to my family. I'm fine - jim dandy!

THE GREAT HEDGE No news whatsover despite asking many people. The latest was Colonel Lamba ex the Indian Army. "Good cracious sir, how preposterous"!!

THE TRAIN CRASH The 6.05 special from Agra to Jaipur crashed three months ago and is still lying aside the trackMYSTERIOUS HAPPENINGS at the Park Hotel. "The boys" were in town but the gin and tonic was shit(Yanwath Gate I take it all back) although the Long Island Ice Tea was superb

DONNY SAVES '000's FROM CERTAIN DEATH and becomes a hero in his own lunchtimeBillo

Elephants and parasols in the Pink City

2010-02-25T03:03:00.000-08:00

Donny charms a snake

2010-02-25T02:58:00.000-08:00

With fearless intrepidation Donny advances within 4 feet of a lively cobra, and no closer!!

Billo is sicko....and has lost a pound or two

2010-02-25T02:54:00.001-08:00

Being armless suits well the new jacket!!

More palaces and forts

2010-02-25T02:39:00.000-08:00

Not that they’re not special, because many of them are absolutely beautiful, but Anil wants to take us to 2 or 3 every day. Here is a selection from the last couple of days:

Indian style 'a la mode'

2010-02-25T02:30:00.000-08:00

Like the topless dancer, Billo had nothing up his sleeve! For the sartorial reader, the lining is bright orange/white stripe and 'simply to die for' don't you know!

The goat herd

2010-02-25T02:26:00.000-08:00

We stopped the car to make a brew on the primus stove - we now can offer darjeeling, green tea and jasmine – and a herd of goats appeared (about 50 of them) from the hill over the road. The goat herd took them to the lake for a drink and then brought them back to where we were brewing up.

Then with a long stick with a small sickle-like blade on top he began to chop off all the ‘green’ branches from the top off a thorn tree (spikes were 2” long) and the goats excitedly ate all the greenery and thorns just leaving the bare branches all over the ground.When they’d finished they all went back up the hill from whence they came.

The tree was decimated but probably not so much that it wouldn’t recover!

Sea Cruise

2010-02-25T02:22:00.000-08:00

Met some fellow travellers - two mothers and daughters combos - on our journey and we had gin & tonic and thali together on the roof of the hotel at Udaipur.After having introduced the Great Hedge of India (as we do everywhere we go), we sang a joint version of Sea Cruise – Donny and myself have been working hard to perfect the routine all trip – although we spared them the dance routine. A good laugh!

The Don and I have been teaching our driver Anil to sing ‘Keep your mind on your driving, keep your hands on the wheel, keep you’re snoopy eyes on the road ahead…etc etc’ and we got there today. We achieved a complete run through!!

Kumbalgarh

2010-02-25T02:17:00.000-08:00

After lunch a fabulous trip into the hills to Kumbalgarh which despite being heralded as one of the finest hill forts proved to be far less popular. You wonder at the enormous effort over generations to build such an immense structure and the 36kilometers of wall that meanders off over the skyline before returning from the other direction. I can’t imagine the optimism of invading armies as they contemplate fighting their way up the steep slopes and through endless fortress gates. What a place and what a view.The trip onward to Udaipur was a more tortuous 2 hours skirting the ‘jungle’ forest supposedly home to wolves, panthers and leopards. None were in evidence and we should have taken the opportunity to explore off the road.

Ranakpur

2010-02-25T01:59:00.000-08:00

The journey from Jodhpur to Udaipur took us from the desert scenes through scrubland into more arable terrain as we reached Ranakpur – a magnificent selection of Jain temples. Judging by the number of tourists these temples are not a well concealed secret.
The official interpreter of dress code decided that my shorts did not show suitable reverence and a rather tacky pair of powder blue over-trousers was required. My carefully compiled sartorial elegance is temporarily disturbed – luckily the paparazzi were distracted by other opportunities so my image is untarnished.It is hard to do justice in a description to the scale and intricacy of the stone carvings.

My name is Harry Worth, I don't know why, but it is!

2010-02-22T05:21:00.001-08:00

What's this Karma Sutra all about??

2010-02-22T05:19:00.001-08:00

It's a man's life

2010-02-22T04:57:00.000-08:00

You can't help but notice, particularly in the rural areas, that there appears to be a slight imbalance in the work ethics of the sexes. The women appear to do all the work in the fields, pickaxing, collecting, sifting, carrying, tending goats, sheep, cattle etc., look after the children and do all the cooking, washing and cleaning
whilst the men drive tractors and carts, chat to their mates, play cards, sleep in the sun - in fact all the strategically important stuff. Billo and I can't help but think that this is a superior model and will be opening negotiations with Jayne and Carol shortly.Donny

Donny no likee his drinky….

2010-02-22T04:54:00.000-08:00

Set of wheels sir?

2010-02-22T04:46:00.000-08:00

Give me the moonlight, a petrol pump and leave the rest to me....

2010-02-22T04:44:00.001-08:00

City Palace, Udaipur

2010-02-22T04:37:00.000-08:00

This is a fantastic and wonderful place. None of my words will do it justice so here are some photos.Billo

Early morning views from our Udaipur hotel window

2010-02-22T04:32:00.001-08:00

Jayne and Susan, this is waxing!!

2010-02-22T04:30:00.001-08:00

Where’s Donny?

2010-02-22T04:22:00.000-08:00

Donny has been a right royal pain in the backside today – just had to be in every photo! I had dedicated the day to plant studies and more cerebal subjects – the boy Donny was having none of it……

Billo

Getting into Meherangarh Fort, Jodhpur

2010-02-22T04:16:00.000-08:00

This almost word for word, spoken quickly in a very loud and articulate voice“What is this I behold before me? Two very fine gentlemen from a distant land. Praises and thanks to Allah on this tip-top day. I am indeed and demonstrably so jolly that you have decided to spend sometime with us. Please believe me, you will not be disappointed to even a minor degree. This is the finest palace in all India – indeed it is top-drawer in every respect. This precision engineered machine contain the clearest description of the finery that will unfold before your eyes and I guarantee you – yes guarantee – that you will be overflowing with fulfillment and happiness at the conclusion of your visit. [take machines] Toodle-pip good sirs!”

The fort itself was indeed stunning in every respect and our verbose friend was indeed correct.

A few very beautiful howdas

2010-02-20T04:38:00.001-08:00

Donny & The Maharajas

2010-02-20T04:29:00.000-08:00

Donny saw the entertainment troupe and thought I can do thatA few quick instructions, and the purchase was madeIt's a fine instrument and he's now on the look out for additional members for the group he will call "Donny & The Maharajas"

A new hat?

2010-02-20T04:24:00.000-08:00

Billo had so much to choose from....

But he went for a hat and moustache combo

For spiv carpet salesmen everywhere…..the master at work

2010-02-19T03:53:00.000-08:00

Billo

Dancing With Camels starring Donny & Billo

2010-02-19T03:51:00.000-08:00

Billo

Folk Night at the Hotel Paradiso

2010-02-19T03:47:00.000-08:00

Those who know the Paradiso in Amsterdam, especially back in the day, will know that it has a well earned reputation for ‘lots of things’…!!! So we were very excited to read about the Folk Night at the Hotel Paradiso Jaisalmer starting at sunset and then into the starry starry night. Paradiso has a lot of connotations not only in Amsterdam but also in the deserts of New Mexico and South California – places where Joe Ely and Robbie Robertson play.

Can you picture the scene? – setting sun, beautiful standstone buildings, gentle breeze, stars, the cool people arriving in curtained Ambasadors, the clanking jewelry, the snake skin boots…. All with the best musician in the hood.Well none of that – the act had accepted a better paid booking in the desert and the event was cancelled. Donny and I were the only two people there.
We gently tapped our feet and hummed Ilkley Moor Batat, Those Were the Days and Donny went solo for Bernard Cribbins classic The Hole in the Ground.

Billo

33 million gods in India…...and they like the ladies

2010-02-19T03:43:00.000-08:00

It is estimated that Indians together worship more than 33 million gods which is very confusing for someone who has always struggled with just one. Maybe’s the ones that love the ladies will be different but I don’t think so. It would be too much like America.

First a god…..Then a lady from the same temple

Billo

Medical Diary

2010-02-19T03:39:00.000-08:00

Billo’s groin injury, aggravated by the camel ride, has him walking with some difficulty and eyeing enviously those with walking sticks – he even examined a sword stick as a potential purchase but discounted it on the grounds that he would have to sell his car to afford it!Only now am I becoming acquainted with the full medical history of my traveling companion and his intricate knowledge of his internal workings. He is clearly a wonder of modern medicine and I am inadequate to the task.

Donny

Tell me Sir, what’s this ‘sleeping with the fishes’ all about?

2010-02-19T03:32:00.000-08:00

I introduced Donny to our Jaisalmer guide as ‘The Don’. He replied ‘Mafia Don’? and that set the theme for the day.After about an hour he asked why Mafia Don walked so slowly. I said he had to because his people guarding him are on the roofs and had constantly jump between them to get into the best position to protect their Big Boss. I then told him to be very careful because if he made just one wrong move he would be ‘sleeping with the fishes’.

I would have hoped he would have said “that sounds fishy to me” but he didn’t. He just kept scanning the roof lines. After about an hour he said I haven’t seen anyone yet. I said that’s the whole point – but just trip The Don up and you’re fish food!

He’s learning about Italy because many Italians come to his City and only very few speak Italian already. I am hoping we gave some insight into the real Italy and how he might handle any troublesome clients in future.
Billo

Into Jaisalmer

2010-02-19T03:26:00.002-08:00

Our entry into the fort was accompanied by the brother of last night’s guide – apparently the former had fallen foul of a tummy bug. Nice to know I’m not alone in this pursuit.
Jaisalmer, the Golden City, has perhaps the most impressive fort in the land standing high out of the desert and home for 2000 locals. It’s a Mecca for tourists and abounds with market stalls to divert the traveler from his original plan. We managed to visit 2 Jain temples with the most magnificently detailed stone carvings before being seriously diverted.Visits to purveyors of the finest jewelry, embroidery, silks, hats and a cuddly toy took their toll before we managed to break free to visit a couple of 16th century havellis where more intricate stone carvings were in evidence. Such was the scale of the last one that Billo, full of erstwhile restrained entrepreneurial zeal, burst out with “We must buy this place”.
Plans are underway to relocate our families as you read. Please don’t tell them- it’ll be a nice surprise.
Donny

Marinda

2010-02-19T03:26:00.001-08:00

Anil is much taken by Billo’s resemblance to a character who appears on TV advertising a local fruit drink. Apparently this hapless individual drinks from the can, wipes his hairless head and with a sigh of satisfaction and murmurs longingly “M-a-r-i-n-d-a-a-a”. As a consequence Anil has rechristened Billo “Marinda” or if he’s being particularly formal “Meester Marinda”. I think that it is likely to stick.

Donny

Make it Snappy

2010-02-18T04:54:00.000-08:00

These digital cameras are a fantastic advance on the old Box Brownie but the slight (some would say great) delay on the shutter is causing major irritation. In a crowded street scene with the level of confusion in congested traffic flow increased enormously by the urgent speed of the variety of vehicles in narrow roadways all with horns blasting, photo opportunities are fleeting. We may take time to set up the perfect shot of the advancing ox cart with camel cart and tuk-tuk in the background, and press the shutter with precision. The perfect photo. However, in that slight moment of delay a rickshaw moves through and we find on review that we have a perfect photo of the back end of a rickshaw wallah. This brings a certain element of frustration regardless of the unaccepted lack of skill of the operators. The camera is cursed and but for the inconvenience and expense would be dashed to the ground.

As a consequence we have a world-beating collection of photographs of random body parts and vehicle elements with incomplete images of a more interesting subject peeking round from behind. The collection is enhanced by incomparable shots of camels legs or back end of a bus etc as a result of limited competence of operator. Some of this collection is likely to appear in this blog.

Allah bless technology….

Donny

Anyone for cricket??

2010-02-18T04:52:00.000-08:00

Anil is very quiet today – a combination of listening to the cricket and last night’s womanizing (we suspect he’s a lover not a fighter). India v South Africa. India were wopped in the 1st test and we guess he was deeply upset as a result. He gets quite animated when India get a wicket. Other than that, not much else today.

We just stopped for a pipi in the desert and for Anil to have a fag. Two young goat herders appeared from nowhere – literally – didn’t see them at all. Amazing. Then we all stood round the open car door listening to the cricket. We gave our visitors a banana each. It’s rare to see two people looking so sublimely happy.

Not Anil though – the banana did nothing for him! South Africa lost 2 early wickets but\ are staging a comeback. We’re in for a bleak journey…

Billo

Buying a camel??

2010-02-18T04:47:00.000-08:00

Which of these three would you buy your camel from? Please note only one is bona-fide and the other are recent rejects from the Camel Club of Bikaner. Details cannot be given to protect the reputation of certain camels. Pointing no fingers but Billo did say quite excitedly “that camels got good legs”!

Donny

Donny giving Anil a peptalk about his attitude………

2010-02-18T04:40:00.000-08:00

Billo

Four Dollars…..?

2010-02-18T04:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning when visiting Junagarth Fort Bikaner on my own (Donny still couldn’t go more than 32 1/2 seconds from a “Parryware Cascade” ) a group of Indian ladies suddenly threw their handbags on a raised stone with almost wild abandon and started dancing around them singing a melodic chant.In a soul journey of about 2 seconds I was taken back to Bowness on Solway, to the Kings Hall, it’s 1962. The ‘Four Dollars’ have just come on stage to the usual excitement. Not quite ‘Beatlemania’ more ‘Pinky & Perky . As ever they started off with their ‘famous’medley . As soon as the first bars of “Que Sera’ reverbiated out of the beautiful Vox amplifiers, every girl in the place threw her bag in the middle of the floor and stood in an orgasmic circle waiting for the big segue ‘….(plaintiff vocal) I asked my mother will I be handsome, will I be rich, this is what she said to me……[big squeals and wild head shaking]……YOU AIN’T NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG…..The Presley classic as only the Dollars could do it.

Strange what a group of colourful, enchanting Indian ladies can do to a lad’s mind!

Billo

Junagarth Fort, Bikaner

2010-02-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

Donny didn’t make for this visit (see Four Dollars…? for more ‘colourful’ details) and he missed a very very very good place.

Started in 1589 Raja Raislngh Ji, the 6th Ruler of Rathore and stayed with the Rathore rulers until Partition in 1949. Not the most imposing fort apparently but the decorative interiors and sculpted stone are almost unrivalled in Rajasthan in their magnificence. Anything I can say will not do it any justice. Such beautiful colours.
And the people were so friendly. I helped one particularly short Indian to take a photograph over a glass screen and then he went and assembled his whole family to come and shake my hand. “This is wonderful Mr Beeeeeel from England who helped me take this photograph” (camera handed round like a precious gem). Then they all clapped and then he said “you bring me and my family great joy; this is a wonderful day”.

Indeed it was a wonderful day. When I got back to the hotel Donny was relaxing on a swing in the garden like The Don he is and feeling almost ‘repaired’ to full health.

Billo

Indian Sweets ‘a la Donny’

2010-02-16T07:46:00.001-08:00

Driving through a small town Donny spotted some young lads heating the milk to make the ‘fudge like’ Indian sweets and shouted to Anil ‘stop the car, they’re making a mess of that, I need to put them straight’. Anil skidded to a stop even quicker than usual. Donny leaped from the car screaming like a banshi ‘stop everyone, I’m here to help, don’t worry, it’s not too late’.

In no time he was mixing and stirring, explaining and coaxing, and making a whole batch of new flavours.The boys were laughing and telling him ‘no no no you not know nothing meeester’.

The good news was a crowd formed and sales were very good of the pre-Donny products and the boys were very happy and Donny got back in the car singing ‘Sweet Dreams of made this…blah de blah’.Anil floored it as we made for the town boundary before anything kicked off…

Billo

Eco-living?

2010-02-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

At Apani Dhani, Nawalgarh we entered into the spirit of eco-living which included recycling all water used, using solar power generated electricity for all lighting, eating from bamboo leaf plates, making no noise after 9.30 the designated bedtime – and joined in heartily at the meal table with fellow EU diners. All ‘tres jolie’ haw haw haw ….until the electicity was turned off completely at ‘bedtime’ which meant we couldn’t recharge our telephones, or cameras, or computer. All essential for travelers.So we’re lying quietly in our beds whispering tomorrows plans when the Indian house music from the downtown Nawalgarh festival kicked in and went on until 4.30 and followed at 5pm when the Imam took over with his ‘almost’ vocal caress.

Hey ho – so tired today and free of ‘power’ and Donny’s got Delhi belly but is holding well despite having just eaten the most expensive platter of mashed potato on the sub-continent laced with Imodium.

Somewhere in all of this are strands of real eco-living and long may they run.

Billo

Cup of tea…??

2010-02-16T07:33:00.000-08:00

Keith’s stove is being a complete success – well we are sure it will be when we learn how to use it properly.

We stopped the car to have a pee-pee (Anil’s term for ‘taking toilet’) and Donny decided that we should christen the paraffin stove. Apart from needing an IQ far superior to that available, it was some time before we understood the essentials. In that time a burgeoning crowd of curious natives had assembled – emerging from fields and behind bushes and from camel carts and buses and old lady who straddled her gate in a bid to get a front seat. Anil was frustrated at the progress, and his loss of face with his fellow countrymen, and took control of ‘his’ matches and the lighting process. 35 minutes and half a box of matches the water was simmering nicely and we all enjoyed a nice ‘cuppa’. Well except for Anil who spat it out because we had no sugar. Nevertheless he is standing tall in his new status of ‘chai wallah’.

Anil got sugar and biscuits in the next village so tomorrow’s teabreak will be more efficient and enjoyable. We’re looking forward to ‘taking tiffin’ in full splendour and amongst our inquisitive public.

Billo ps photo to follows

Saturday ……… it must be sight-seeing!!

2010-02-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

Today things got going and we did our first full day of sight seeing with our driver for the next two weeks Anil Kumar. He is a good driver and flows well on these crazy streets.
1. We went to the Delhi Mosque – biggest Mosque in India – and were escorted by a good guide who latched onto us and later stung us for r400 (a lessom learnt). That was our first ‘tipping’ experience closely followed by the man who stole my shoes and wanted r10 for their safe return. They’re black suede and he was stroking one of them like Mr Bond’s cat. The Mosque was wonderful and 25,000 worshippers would attend on major feast days.2. Next our driver, Anil, pin-balled his way through a myriad of combative vehicles of every bizarre complexion to Gandhi’s memorial where we were confronted by a constant stream of beaming uniformed schoolboys whose main activity of the day was to shake the hand of two unfortunate westerners.3. Then off to Humayon’s tomb, the first World Heritage site of the day, an impressive if eccentric and expensive memorial where we experienced for the first time our improbable alluring attraction to the local youths wishing to be photographed with two aging queens, it seems.4. More driving extravaganza before Qutub Minar, another W H site and the tallest tower in India. Very intricate masonry carvings, worthy of a day of anyone’s interest.5. Finally, India Gate, a magnificent construction similar but superior to Arc de Triumph and much admired by a multitude of Indian tourists. We managed to avoid many persistent opportunities to purchase a plethora of useless artifacts that would normally attract a child of 7 years old. Clearly age is no deterrent to sales technique.Overall, stunning examples of India’s fine heritage and in marked contrast to some of the modern day squalor in parts of Old Delhi. Time for beer!

Donny + Billo

Is Kumar 42?

2010-02-16T07:15:00.000-08:00

Our allocated intrepid driver, namely one Anil Kumar, turns out, it seems, to have ambitions in the area of stand-up comedy, not realizing that his clients believed they already had that area adequately covered. Perhaps he has a better chance than us of appearing in the Kumars of Number 42 even though it turns out that he’s only 35.

Donny

The Tuk-tuk experience

2010-02-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

We were overwhelmed with the sales patter and persuaded to take a tuk-tuk ride with a complete maniac that clearly believed he was immortal as he weaved full belt through the back streets of Paraganj in order to maximize his profit from a fixed price to Connaught Square and the Red Fort and back. Such an experience requires nerves of steel and a digestive system second to none – sadly lacking in us on both accounts.

Donny

Tea is a long business in Delhi

2010-02-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

Three o'clock on day 1 - fancy a cup of tea? YES...good idea. Tea making in a fine Delhi roadside tea shack is a very complicated multi stage process. You would have to see it to actually believe what happened. And it takes very long time...something like:

1. Sit for 20 minutes when nice man brings menu
2. Sit for 18 minutes and then order tea - Ginger for Donny, Mint for Billo
3. Sit for 23 minutes and enquire what happened to tea.
4. Oh it's coming sir.
5. Meanwhile families come and eat and go and cows and more cows wander on by thinking to themselves "the old tea trick, I'd rather be a cow"
6. 22 minutes go by and man put two desert spoons on table with two colourful napkins

7. Sit for 17 minutes
8. Tea came delivered with a life weary smile
9. Wow!!

Tea tasters notes - the ginger was spectacularly good and the mint looked and tasted like hot seaweed.

Motto - good things come to those who wait except mint tea!!

A decent jacket....

2010-02-13T05:59:00.000-08:00

Not much happened on route except that a man in a fawn zipped cardigan (with faux elbow patches)and hitherto known as Mr Taupe, noticing the superior brand of Don's jacket tried to make off with it instead of his own. I was ahead of Don getting off the plane so I apprehended him at the plane steps and made a citizens arrest. His wife came on all flustered and said she would give us money to keep the story out of the press. Don said NO he wouldn't hear of it and smiled graciously, almost pityingly, and said "no, use the money to buy him a decent jacket!'

The show hits the road....

2010-02-10T05:54:00.000-08:00

Planning all done, bags all packed and time to go...

Can't think of enough succinct words to describe the situation here and now but, for the visual amongst us, its sort of a cross between and Not that we'll be doing too much tiger hunting!
More from the plane if possible....Billo

Cambridge credentials

2010-02-07T05:35:00.000-08:00

We understand that being a graduate of the University of Cambridge, and having successfully represented the cricket first team, is very highly rated in India so we want to state clearly our Cambridge credentials at the outset:
1. We think we once went to see Carlisle United playing away at Cambridge
2. I once owned a Sinclair Type 3 Cambridge Calculator
3. A friend owns the intellectual property rights for Cambridge Blue (cheese)
4. Visited the Cambridge Folk Festival when Billy Connolly told his 'indian curry' story in the early 1980's
5. Had a tape of Spike Milligan and Jeremy Taylor Live at Cambridge University 1973 but had it stolen from my car in Barcelona in 1985.
6. And, if all of that isn't enough, we are both old enough to have heard Harry Carpenter say on BBCTV in 1977 "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew". And,to prove it, here's a photo of the crew just before the 'cox kissing' incident took place... So we think that's all pretty conclusive and we should be welcomed on the promenades of Shimla with open arms. They'll be able to spot imposters so we shouldn't have any trouble there.....Billo

White or black??

2010-02-05T04:35:00.000-08:00

The good news is that Mr Ramesh in Delhi can arrange for us to have a drive in an Ambassador during our stay in his city. He says they don't use them any more for long trips because they're too old. We won't get into what is 'too old' and simply enjoy the thought of what is to happen. The smell of old car, hot engine oil mixed with the wonderful aromas of roadside flame engulfed food getting up your nose...(look at picture, concentrate and smell..go on!!!)

The only question now is will the Ambassador be white or black I'm thinking black with 274,328 miles on the clock and a non-too-careful driver who can take us deep into the physche of Delhi in less than 2 miles....

The intinerary..and a new look!

2010-02-02T01:52:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Ramesh Wattal for getting the plan together

12/14 Feb: Delhi / de Holiday International
14/15 Feb: Nawalgarh / Aapni Bhani
15/17 Feb: Bikaner / Karni Bhawan
17/19 Feb: Jaisalmer / Fifu Hotel
19/21 Feb: Jodhpur / Indrashan G.H.
21/23 Feb: Udaipur / Kankarwa Haveli
23/24 Feb: Bundi / Kasera Paradise
24/26 Feb: Jaipur / Meghniwas
26/28 Feb: Agra / Col. Lamba Indian Home stay
28/01 Mar: Delhi / Broadway Hotel
01/03 Mar: Chandigarh / Divya deep
03/05 Mar: Thenader / Banjara
05/06 Mar: Shimla / Dreamland
06/08 Mar: Amritsar / Bhandari G.H.
08/10 Mar: Delhi / Broadway Hotel

Can hardly wait for our stay at the de Holiday International, meeting the barber of Delhi and having my hair cut like the photo on the back wall! What's indian for 'I'll have that and, no, I don't want anything for the weekend'?

The importance of detailed planning...

2010-01-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

As Theodore Roosevelt said so purposefully "make preparations in advance, as you never have trouble if you're prepared for it" and we have really taken this advice to heart. The planning is so meticulous - book after book, map after map, checking co-ordinates and drive times, working out the effects of varying thermal pressures on fuel consumption - just everything.

The photograph above of Donny was taken last Saturday at the height of one particulary gruelling session at the Charles Rennie Mackintosh Tearooms in Glasgow!

Real Babool and Indian plum or just a myth..??

2010-01-22T00:19:00.000-08:00

Yes the Moxham book has arrived and worth every penny (1p actually). Chapter 1 Page 1 Allan Octavian Hume, Commissioner of Indian Customs gets straight to it "A Hedge? In populated parts of the country, where smuggling is rife, the men are active in preventing the passage of contraband goods by a barrier which, in its most perfect form, is utterly impassable to man or beast and all the outlets through which are guarded".

The important thing is that the route to be taken by the Two Old Geezers criss-crosses the route of the hedge as it winds from Punjab to Delhi to Agra to Jhansi to Hoshangabad to Chandrapur to the Mahandi River the 2504 miles of the way.

Moxham it's been a long journey for you. You're the hombre of hedge yarns but you need a rest for a while. So relax good sir - we're on to it!!

Billo

Editors note - for connoisseurs of prickly hedges the botanical name of babool is accacia catecha and Indian plum zizyphues jujuba

the plane, the plane....

2010-01-20T03:30:00.000-08:00

My passport with visa enclosed has just arrived.....getting to the Durham passport office with tennis rackets strapped to my feet, home-constructed ski poles, an ice-pick and luke-warm mulligatawny soup are all now distant memories. Billo

200 grams - can you believe it??

2010-01-20T01:52:00.000-08:00

Finally got a pair of boots. Always had a pair of Meindl walking boots and wanted something lighter. After ordering a number of pairs online and sending them back I decided on a pair of 'light weight' Meindl Air Active

Well they arrived and they are fantastic. Then I got to thinking that they feel similar to the original Meindls. Got the kitchen scales out and weighed them - each boot is 100 grams less - a massive saving then of 200 grams. YES, 200!!

I've no idea what difference that'll make to a day's trekking although at my level of physical fitness it will probably shave a second or two off something!! Billo

Thankyou from 'the old geezers'...

2010-01-17T09:04:00.000-08:00

Time for some early 'thankyous' to all of those friends and family have helped these two 'old geezers' get their itinerary together enough to contemplate a trip to 'the Indian'....and a different view of the chicken tikka masala, or in my case the vegetarian thali.

Here's the list with many thanks and much appreciation...

Patrick and Ruthie
Benedict and Claire
Keith and Odette
Julia and Andy
Martin and Christine

and last, but not least, David who travelled in India for 6 months and came straight back from the heat of India to a trade show at the NEC one snowy February wearing a kurta looking totally bewildered and a lot like Gandhi.

Thanks one and all,

Donny & Billo

The Great Hedge of India

2010-01-15T02:15:00.000-08:00

This is interesting. The Great Hedge was forgotten in India as well as in Britain, without any reference in standard histories, until its existence was unearthed by Roy Moxham, a conservator at the University of London Library. Moxham first came across the Hedge by chance in a passing mention in a footnote of an obscure book about India.

They say 'the Hedge' was a customs barrier across India from the 1840s to the 1880s built by the British rulers to facilitate collecting the heavy salt tax. It was also used to control the opium trade, which the East India Company had acquired from the Mughal Empire. The barrier consisted of fences, stone walls, and above all a nearly impenetrable barrier of trees, thorny bushes, and hedges, with periodic guard stations.

It is also believed that 'the Hedge' was used to divide the religious sects and guards marched within the hedge which was hollow inside for large stretches.

I've ordered Moxham's book on-line for 1p (such is its popularity) but really it's one for Don to sort out - he's the revenue collector of this partnership! I'm sure we'll find out a lot more as we travel and keep you informed. Billo

'Promenade Boots' - update

2010-01-12T09:11:00.001-08:00

Gotcha! The eagle has landed, jack is back in his box, the cat is in the bag and I've just had the refund for the ill-fated boots. Going to the pub to celebrate and drink a toast to those 'nice' people at Ellis Brigham in Manchester.

After much discussion the one known as Dave said "here at Ellis Brigham, civilization is not a burden. It is an opportunity".

Right on and such clarity of thought. Billo

John McEnroe was in Durham on Friday..honest

2010-01-10T03:34:00.000-08:00

Got to Durham without incident, got the passport quickly and efficiently. The wide eyed kid who served me was imbued with the staff training manual - 'Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are'. No worries mate! Actual Passport Office much NICER than National Passport Hotline...

I didn't see John McEnroe coming to the booth beside me at first. In fact I didn't see him at all. I just heard the 'polite' counter person saying to a fellow applicant that the passport photo presented was unacceptable because "you are smiling too much". I just knew he was there when I heard a roaring, bellicose "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!" Billo

These boots are made for promenading??

2010-01-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

Before reading this, you need to know that I do not have a history of falling to the charms of the salesperson...

The young man in Ellis Brigham Manchester shop looked OK and I quickly noticed his junior management potential. Not to overstate it but it was there. Told him I needed boots - going anywhere interesting? - India - where in India? - Rajasthan & Punjab - going to Shimla? - yes - Wow, I was there last year - you need boots? these boots were made for Rajasthan and the 'promenade' in Shimla - 'promenade'? - yes, you'll find it and you'll be looking good in these fine North Face boots - tried them on and they seemed harmless enough - OK wrap them, and the rucksack, both of them....

With pride and dreams of Shimla flooding my head, I wore the 'promenade' boots around the house last Sunday and was near crippled in under two hours.

It's Thursday now and my foot is recovering. The return of the 'promenade' boots is at the 'stand-off' stage but I'm confident they will be going back. Billo

ps did I mention that I've lost the receipt...

Pinball (no, passport) Wizardry

2010-01-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

The first pull of the pin takes me to Durham tomorrow. Those nice people at the passport office were so nice... 'Nice' means a lot of things - someone once said of someone (probably working in the passport office) - "You have a nice personality, but not for a human being" Billo

Passport

2010-01-07T01:02:00.000-08:00

You guessed it!! Not only no reply from the Visa Office (which in light of developments is perhaps not catastrophic) but I found out that you need at least two empty pages in your passport for the visa - yep you got it, I've only got one! So what started as a meander now means becoming a pinball at the mercy of the wizard to get the passport to the passport office, get it back and get it to the visa office.

Get your running shoes on Billo (the new boots are a story for another day!), you're at their mercy!

Vaccines

2010-01-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

Went for my pre-trip vaccines today. The nurse said her husband was desperate to go to India but she wouldn't let him. Apparently they went to Africa once on a safari and they went to a township and she was put-off by the poverty and didn't want to be exposed to it again. She said 'life in Cumbria isn't like that'. I said that's a good reason to go to India. I've spent a lot of time in China in the past 15 years and that wasn't like Cumbria either. She didn't say anything more except that she wasn't going to China either.

Anyway, the injections are done - just got to get the visa now. Tried today, filled in the form and then submitted it and it just disappeared. Well they do when you submit them but there was no acknowledgement. Nothing. Pablo Picasso once said... "But they are useless. They can only give you answers" but not today dear Pablo. Just questions! Billo

2010-01-04T06:46:00.000-08:00

Trip to India - 12 February to 10 March 2010
Dear Mr Lal,

My friend and I are planning a trip to India next month and having sounded out friends who have recently travelled have been strongly recommended to use Welcome Travel to organise our travel and hotels. We are so excited at the prospect of visiting your country and would deem it an honour if they would review our schedule and make all of the arrangements for us and be supportive of our wishes and attentive to our needs. All of our friends have used you and say you are totally wonderful and a pleasure to work with and they all had great trips.

We are discerning and thrifty travellers and require (a) very best Indian hotel rates and not western traveller rates (b) very friendly and attentive hotels (c) air conditioning (d) rooms with the best views available (e) lovingly prepared and extremely good Indian vegetarian and fish cuisine.

We would prefer your agency to book the accommodation at hotels that offers us the most rewarding stay. For example, if there are lodges or huts with two separate sleeping areas and good shared living areas then that would be our preference. If not then single rooms are our preferred option where available otherwise twin bedded rooms would suffice. We need internet access in one of the rooms or for it to be freely available in the hotel booked. Private bathrooms are preferred.

The travellers are Mr William Dodd and Mr Donald Brown.

Arriving in Delhi 01.25 Friday 12 February 2010 on BA flight BA143
Leaving Delhi 06.55 Wednesday 10 March 2010 on BA flight BA256

Proposed itinerary
Taxi from airport to Delhi hotel. Please book us into Yatri House at www.yatrihouse.com (or Tourist Lodge or Woodland hotel in Ram Nagar, Delhi) for 2 nights.
12 -13 February acclimatisation and sightseeing in Delhi
We would like to book a car and driver for the period from 15 February to 28 February. We would like an air-conditioned comfortable car with an affable driver (not assertive and not trying to take us places we don’t want to go) who has good knowledge of sights in Rajasthan. We would be most pleased if you could arrange for Manoj to be the driver as he served our friends so well last year. We would also like a working coolbox for water and drinks. The car journeys would involve trips to recommended sights of interest en route to the overnight hotels and the use of the car and driver throughout the period.
14 February: Car to Nawalgarh . Book into Apani Dhani hotel for one night.
15 February: Car to Gajner via Bikaner. Book into Gajner Palace for two nights.
17 February: Car to Jaisalmer. Book into Hotel Fifu or Jasmine Haveli for two nights.
19 February: Car to Jodpur. Book into the Indrashan Guest House for two nights.
21 February: Car to Udaipur. Book into Kankarwa Haveli for 2 nights. (Visit Kumbalgarh and Ranakpur)
23 February: Car to Bundi. Book into Kasera Paradise for one night.
24 February: Car to Jaipur. Book into Hotel Meghniwas or Umaid Bhawan for two nights.
26 February: Car to Agra. Book into Major Backshi Tourist House or Tourist Rest House for two nights.
28 February: Car to Delhi. Book into Broadway or Bombay Orient in Old Delhi for 1 night. Release car and driver.
Please book train tickets for us with guaranteed seats starting around 9.00 am each day as follows:
Delhi to Chandigarh on 1 March
Chandigarh to Shimla on 3 March,
Shimla to Amritsar on 5 March
Amritsar to Delhi on 7 March.
1 March: Train to Chandigarh. Book into Satyadeep or Divyadeep for two nights.
3 March: Train to Shimla. Taxi to Thanedar. Can you please book one of the log cabins at Thanedar Retreat for 2 nights. .
4 March:. Taxi from Thanedar to Shimla for around 10.00 am. Book into Dreamland or Uphar for one night
5 March: Train to Amritsar. Book into Mrs Bhandari’s Guest House for 2 nights.
7 March: Train to Delhi. Book into Broadway for 2 nights.
10 March: Taxi to airport for 04.30 in time for 06.55 flight.